oSBORNE: Shocked That Cows Go Moo, Also Fart Methane

Following a visit to a school in Bradford, where the Chancellor George Osborne sat in on a Biology lesson and during the lesson watched a video about cows - touching base on their diet, their internal structure, the variety of breeds and their effect on the Environment - I managed to catch him for an interview as he was leaving the school, looking much whiter than usual, shaking, and clearly in a state of rather acute shock.

Face looking rather Cornish Pasty upon hearing shocking news

"They go moo," was at first all he could utter, shaking his head and raising a hand to wipe his sweat-laced brow. "They actually go moo."


Then a period of time went by when the Chancellor literally became unable to speak, and myself and Mr Osborne's aides started to worry he was having some sort of seizure. Well, I wasn't really worried to be honest. Would've been quite excited to get the scoop, but ah well. But then his aides, clearly anxious, attempted to usher me away from the Chancellor.

"No," the Chancellor then said suddenly. "No. He needs to know. I want him to know."


Mr Osborne then grabbed by the shoulder.

"They ... they go moo. They actually just ... sit there, eat grass and go moo. What the hell do they need that many stomachs for?"

"Chancellor," I said haughtily. "I ask the questions, not you. What are you doing sitting in a Biology lesson in Bradford when people all over the country are evading tax?"

"WHAT?! THEY'RE DOING WHAT?!" shrieked the Chancellor, beside himself with baffled rage.

"I ASK THE QUESTIONS CHANCELLOR!" I roared back at him, which seemed to cow him, no pun intended. "Now please tell me about the cows again Chancellor."

"By God, those cows will pay. I'm taking this all the way to the top."

He looked at me, eyes scared and timid like a child.

"They ... go moo ... and they just sit there. Not a care in the world. Making a bloody racket. And none of them pay a penny in tax. How is that even possible? Like, a billion cows and no tax revenue? It's mental. And when they fart, it, like, totally makes this Global Warmness thingy happen. How would you like it if I farted methane all over your planet?"

"I'd be very upset," I conceded.

"And what if I told you like a trillion tax-avoiding, fat, over-stomached, lazy, idle grass-eating ugly beasts were doing it every single minute of every single day."

I pondered this.

"Well frankly Chancellor ... I'd be truly shocked."

He nodded solemnly.

"Welcome to my world."

jOSEPH kONY: And I would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you pesky parents ...

Joseph Kony. When you hear that name, what do you think?

Disgusting moustache

Maybe it's: CUNT. Perhaps: TOTAL PRICK. Some may think: LEDGE. Others still might merely ponder that they've definitely heard the name somewhere fairly recently.

Can one man indeed be all four, making him a Prick-Cunt-Ledge-you only heard about this morning?

Today I look beyond the infamous legend to try and get to the bottom of the man himself, the real Joseph Kony, to reveal, in my exclusive interview with him, the startling portrait of a man just striving to be happy in an increasingly anti-child-soldiers world.

DiscoDan: Mr Kony, it's a pleasure to have you here for this interview, although I admit to finding you a particularly rancid human being.

Joseph Kony: Guilty as charged!

(We both laugh)

DD: You're sick. Sick and evil.

JK: That's your opinion.

DD: Okay but let's cut the shit Mr. Kony. A lot of people are making very damaging allegations about you at the moment. Do you mind if I fill my readers in briefly?

JK: Not at all.

DD: Okay, so this man I'm with just now, is pure human filth. The lowest of the low. Makes kids kill their parents and join his rebel army. The boys become soldiers, the girls sex-slaves. How am I doing Joseph?

JK: Frankly, if we're name-calling, I really don't see why I should bother doing this interview in the first place ...

DD: Because Mr Kony, you're an evil prick, it was all over the net, and you will answer to me for your crimes, because I am important, or so help me God I will put a poster of your face up in the street.

JK: You do know that like ... everyone does this in Africa. There's shit like this going on all over the place, with hundreds of different warlords. And I've been in hiding for like five years.

DD: Ah yes, the International Criminal Court indictment. How did that make you feel? Did you cry? Did you go on an angry military rampage through the Savannah, you evil fucking ledge?

JK: No, like I said and as is widely known, I left Uganda and went into hiding. What is this ledge?

DD: Short for legend. So yeah, hiding yeah? And what did you do while in hiding, you prick, hatch more evil schemes in your jungle lair?

JK: No I just kept my head down.

DD: Ruin more kids' lives?

JK: I really like kids. Maybe too much. Letting them go about firing guns is mostly all they could ever want. I find the West's anti-child-soldiers stance very odd, I must say.

DD: OMG can't believe you just said that! What a total evil ledge! Can I make that the headline of the article?

JK: It's your article, do what you want. Frankly, I thought we were going to have a real discussion, this just seems like an exercise in journalistic opportunism.

DD: Don't you dare lecture me you evil hidey-hole coward. Or so help me God I will share that video about you with all my friends. Even the ones I wouldn't say hello to on the street. Now you're going to tell me the truth. Cos Obama's gonna get you. Obama's gonna fuckin see to you. See what happened to Bin Laden and Gaddafi? Aye, you're next you evil fuckin ledge. So you better tell me the truth.

JK: About what? This is preposterous.

DD: Not as preposterous as your crimes, or my sense of self-importance. Tell me the truth about what you did in hiding.

JK: I ... I hid. I am still hiding. I have guards, who have access to villages for food and clothing and so on. I didn't do anything but hide and wait.

DD: YOU'RE LYING, YOU SICK LEGENDARY WEAVER OF WEBS OF DECEPTION! YOU'RE LIKE A BOND VILLAIN OR SOMETHING! TELL ME THE TRUTH.

JK: I am!

DD: I CAN SMELL THE STENCH OF YOUR MALICIOUS CALCULATED LIES, BREAK DOWN IN FRONT OF MY INTERROGATION NOW OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL APPEAL TO MANY WITH MY OWN HEARTFELT VIDEO!

JK: Okay! Okay! I admit it ...

DD: Go on ...

JK: I am ... an evil genius. I've been secretly plotting ... all sorts of things ...

(JK starts crying)

DD: Tell me more, you weak, weepy, evil ledge ...

JK: I fund Hezbollah. I've been melting the polar ice caps to create an environmental state of emergency and ...

DD: What aren't you telling me?

JK: Come on ... last year? England? A bunch of black kids rioting running around causing chaos?

DD: You mean to say ...

JK: IT WAS ME!

(JK breaks down into uncontrollable weeping)


DD: Well I've got all I need, thanks for your time Mr Kony.

dAVID cAMERON tO pOOR: I want to KILL you

Alien cyborg Prime Minister David Cameron has raised a few eyebrows this week by saying in a question and answer session following a press conference that:

"I really have no time for the poor. I want to kill them. All of them. And I take heart from the fact that the British empire was the only power to ever successfully wipe out an entire race - the Tasmanians. I actually think I'd prefer Tasmanians to poor people. So yes, I want to kill them."

Alien Cyborg PM: I will crush them

Gromit Miliband and Ed Balls immediately bit back, the Labour leader retorting that:

"Mr Cameron will have to go through me first. And the Unions. Not to mention a LOT of red tape."

Cameron bad, bang bang

Ed Balls' response was typically clinical:

"Flippity flippity dee, Tory bad, Tory go boom, Tory go bad boom, bang bang bang."



A furious Mr Cameron said later from Downing Street:

"I will not be dissuaded from doing what is right for this country. The poor need to learn who the fucking daddy is. If they don't figure it out soon, I'm going to cap them. People really aren't looking at the big picture when we talk about a Benefits Cap, We are literally going to cap everyone on benefits - it was in our manifesto, for crying out loud. And they're acting all surprised now we're thinking about making good on that? BENEFITS - CAP - people, it's in the fricking name."

Following more questions from journalists, Mr Cameron elaborated:

"What do you think we've been doing? In every major city we've had Firing Squad Training Camps. Every single one. It's common knowledge. And now Miliband and Balls are acting all outraged? I said we would kill them during the election; I've been training up the firing squads ever since I got into power; next step is to start the killing. What's not to understand, and what's not to like?"

Training in Burnley

Commentators have nonetheless noted the progression in the Prime Minister's rhetoric:

"The Tory Manifesto never explicitly discussed killing," said one. "It instead mentioned "taking care of the poor", due to the fact that "we all know what must be done." But it never specifically mentioned firing squads. Meanwhile, although Mr Cameron's speeches have never exactly been pro-poor, he used to restrict himself to merely promising to "hit the poor the hardest" and "take them (the poor) for all their worth."

"So to propose the outright destruction of the poor is definitely a ratcheting up of his rhetoric, and a profound transition. That said, it may be one of the boldest strategies ever seen to eradicate poverty, specifically child poverty. Children are, to speak plainly, much easier to kill."

2012: wORLD tO eND, cLAIMS bOY wHO cRIED wOLF

Yesterday a familiar name waded into the speculation and debate surrounding the Mayan calendar, and its abrupt culmination at the date of 2012, which some cite as evidence that the world will end this year.

Weighing in favourably was the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

"I think the Mayans were right on the money. The World is 100% definitely going to end this year. Underlying global conditions - political, socio-economic and environmental - are brewing up a perfect storm, and there's every reason to suspect the Mayan calendar and its sudden ending foretells all of this."

Some critics have reminded the Boy Who Cried Wolf of his infamous "Crying-Wolf" gaffe, in which he cried Wolf several times, despite there not being a Wolf.

Wolf moves in to take out human trash

"Well, as you'll remember, there was actually a wolf in the end," claimed the Boy Who Cried Wolf, before holding up his right hand. "This is a prosthetic. Because no bastard would listen to me. They'd be wise not to make the same mistake twice, because let me tell you, I'm not going to tell them again."

After a brief pause he added:

"But the world really is going to end this year. Okay, honestly, that's the last time I say it ... or maybe one more time for good luck? The world's going to end."

He looked nervously up at the heavens.

"Anyway, I've said my piece."

The Boy Who Cried Wolf found support for his views from unexpected quarters:

"He's right," said The Man Who Shouted Fire In A Crowded Place during a morning press conference. "The world's going to go up in metaphorical and probably literal flames, this year. Book it."

The Man Who Shouted Fire In A Crowded Place claimed that, although the Boy Who Cried Wolf's Wolf-related protestations had eventually been vindicated while his Fire In A Crowded Place had never materialised and indeed caused a number of stampede-related injuries and deaths, what they both had in common was an honourable desire to encourage public vigilance.

"What if there had been a fire, and no one had shouted fire?" he claimed. "What if he hadn't shouted Wolf, and the Wolf had come and killed all the children? People are so quick to point out what didn't happen that they forget what could've happened, and become less vigilant, and alert, and prepared for survival. Fires can break out anywhere, anytime, for any number of reasons. 2012 is going to prove that."

But the Tortoise, who famously beat heavy-favourite the Hare in the UK cross-country championships a number of years ago, has blasted the two "trouble-makers" and "doomsayers."

Neck-and-neck during legendary 1954 tussle, where
the Tortoise eventually prevailed

"I've been alive a lot longer than them," said the Tortoise. "And let me tell you - in all the years I've been alive, the world has NEVER ended. Not once. And apparently, in all the many years before I was born, it never ended then either! People asked how I won that race. Well, I didn't panic, and I kept plodding on. Now, I'm a BBC sports commentator. Now look at the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Sure, he got lots of press deals to tell his story after the Wolf ripped off his hand, but going on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here was about as big a mistake as he's ever made, career-wise.

And as for the Man Who Shouted Fire In A Crowded Place, he became defunct with the emergence of The Prodigy, who didn't just shout fire, they started them!"

dISCO bACK oRN!

Following a distressed phone call from the Queen, the Disco has returned. We first discovered Her Royal Highness' affection for our small, quaint discotheque when a messenger-at-arms approached Dan for knighthood. Dan, a deeply disturbed Republican, flatly, loudly and abusively refused the offer before attempting to shoot the messenger with a potato spud gun, who barely escaped with his dignity. The Queen, despite the above, still referred to Dan in glowing terms in her Christmas address, calling him: "The best lover I ever had as Queen."

We at Dan's Disco confess we were disturbed at a lack of custom to what is essentially a small business, even if it often transcends this on quasi-spiritual levels. Lots of people were licking our windows, but no one wanted to come in. Maybe the music wasn't very good. Maybe the lighting was a bit too 70's. Maybe we didn't bring in enough drug dealers. Then came the yuletide season and Dan decided he wanted a wee break.

Dan has a habit of turning wee breaks into long sustained periods of inertia. He also told us to tell you: "Fuck off."

We on the Disco Guild have decided to ignore Dan's wishes and have flipped the generator back on, bringing you disco lights, disco music and disco action once more. Drinks have gone up, we now have a single permanent DJ who specialises in "ragga-funk", and the loos cost 20p a go. We have targets to reach. If those are good enough reasons for you to get on down to the disco, then that's good enough for us, and if it's not, then we'll have to seriously adapt our marketing strategy.

As we said earlier, the Queen called.

Sobbing, she cried:

"Where's the Disco gorn? Who turned the Disco orf?"

To which we replied:

"Your Majesty, we will endeavour, and do everything in our power, to TURN THE DISCO BACK ORN!"

And so it was.

mILIBAND: "wE nEED bRAND nEW eCONOMY"

An increasingly bold Gromit Miliband today declared in a speech and Q&A session that the economy:

"Is old and shit. We need to chuck it out and get a new one."

The Labour leader's change of direction has not been lost on some, including one Tory minister who accused Mr Miliband of:

"chucking away his perfectly good Blackberry before the contract was even finished and getting an iPhone 4, after saying he would never leave the Blackberry company."

Gee ... sorry Blackberry ... this is awkward

But Mr Miliband was adamant, particularly when pressed by one journalist on the volatility of the energy market.

"I say this to those who worry about energy prices - elect me and I'll chuck out the current energy market and get the better Apple version. It will be shiny and new, and better, and Labour.

"It might even work for you if you imagine the Prime Minister as Bill Gates and me as the plucky Steve Jobs."

Exactly what would be so much better and new about this economy the Labour leader couldn't quite specify, but he did say:

"I am a hard-headed man, and a hard man to figure out. But with me, know this: the future's bright, the future's Apple, and the future is hard hard labour. Thank you."

"sPECIFICALLY pACIFIC pOWER, fLOWER," Obama tells Julia Gillard.

On a quickfire visit to celebrate a sixty-year old security pact, President Barack Obama chose a speech to the Australian parliament to emphasise their cross-Pacific ties.

"Ever since you stopped all being heartless criminals, we have fought side by side in every war," Obama told Australian MPs. "I see in some of your eyes that same thieving, murdering glint, but you've tempered it with a veneer of civility, which I think we all appreciate."

You're a murdering thief at heart! Haha, we have fun, eh Jules?

And in pledging to station thousands of US Marines in Australia, and bolster the US influence in the Asia-Pacific region, Obama sent a clear message to Beijing.

"And I have this to say to China:" said the President, before putting on a baby's voice. "Aw are you big scaredy, of all my tough Amewican men, and their guns, and our big fat bombs and awesome cool planes? Aw but I fawt China was big scawy superpower? I fawt you were up for it? Aw scaredy cat now, are we? Waa waa, we don't like Amewican men. Yeah, I know you don't, because old and sick we may be, but we can still kick your fucking ass China! OH YEAH! OH YEAH! LET'S DO IT, ME AND YOU, CHINA, LET'S FUCKING DANCE, AND I WILL FUCK YOU UP, CHINA, I WILL FUCK YOU UP!"

Specifically a Pacific Power, okay my Flower?

"So I would like to thank Julia Gillard for allowing me this stage, and to her I say, pretty flower, the US remains a specifically Pacific power. Specifically. And if anyone thinks this is just for manly imperial geopolitical reasons, know this: putting loads of money and resources in areas of the world that are not our own just to project power against our rivals in a time of economic trial is exactly what the US economy needs.

"And thus, what the world needs too."

Obama sought also to draw a line in the sand between himself and British Prime Minister David Cameron, who was caught out in a gaffe where he adopted a bad Australian accent for the purpose of attempted comedy, which politicians should never attempt, as they are naturally lacking in all things good, including a decent sense of humour.

Adopting a lighter, less combative tone, Obama reflected:

"Now I'm not going to be like the British and try and take the mickey," he said, to loud laughter from Australian MPs, before he added icily: "I think your criminal history of thieving and murdering speaks for itself. But everyone knows David Cameron, with a forehead that ridiculous, is definitely an alien cyborg hell-bent on mild-mannered destruction."

Obama then presented Ms Gillard and the Speaker of the House with watches "he stole from Wal-Mart."

oSBORNE: "Borrowing costs to soar like beautiful golden-winged eagle"

Trust me, I know birds

In a conciliatory speech, Chancellor of the Exchequeur George Osborne admitted his spending and growth forecasts had not been entirely accurate, although blamed it on the "Eyeties" and the "smelly big fat Greeks" rather than "my own idiocy."

He has been heavily criticised in the press and by opposition figures after the disclosure that borrowing forecast are set "to soar" to levels higher than Labour planned under Alistair Darling, in spite of his deficit reduction program.

But the Chancellor addressed these arguments directly:

"Let's think about what this means - borrowing is set to soar. Not slowly rise, or creep up like a bug, but soar like a golden-winged eagle in full-flight. That is a pretty beautiful, special thing to look forward to. When do you usually ever get to see a soaring eagle? Well you're welcome. You'll probably never see anything this beautiful again. Couple this with that soaring silver-plumed hawk, inflation, and I think we can all agree we're leaving in a pretty unique and aesthetically pleasing economic moment."

Chancellor: We should be more appreciative

sONG fOR tHE dAY

Guillemots covering Franz Ferdinand - bloody epic. I am seeing the former tonight. I shall blog something on it.

iRAN bUILDING bOX mADE "Of Pure Evil"

The demonic Iranians, led by their revolutionary Qoms militias, are building a box "so evil" that next to it, "a grisly murder scene would look positively gorgeous", an American/Israeli think-tank has claimed.

"I don't want to indulge in cliche, and I'm not going to," said an increasingly jowly US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "But it's basically a Pandora's box. And if we don't do somethin', all hell's going to break loose."

Hillary Clinton: Jowly

Reports of the mega-secret construction, allegedly being constructed as close to the Earth's core as humanly possible, are sketchy, but the walls of the box are allegedly made of the blood of sacrificial lambs and titanium dipped in "evil water", and there's also the alarming report that apparently the Iranians accidentally left the keys inside the box and so have "locked themselves out."

Not ostensibly a bad thing in of itself, a thoughtful reader may think.

Of course, the problem is that the Iranians are rumoured to have filled the box with pure evil. Zombies, demons, giant arachnids, the ghosts of genocidal dictators, Daleks, Dick Cheney, Cherie Blair, Katie Price, Paula Abdul and hundreds of pissed off wasps are just some of the things alleged to be contained within what intelligence sources have dubbed "the Toxic Box" or "ToxBox" for short.

This article is basically a rip-off of a Doctor Who episode

It is pitch black in there, so Western powers and Israel figure they have some time to find and destroy ToxBox before one of occupants locates the keys and opens the box up.

"We've really had enough of these damn Iranians and their jolly big brass necks," alien cyborg Prime Minister David Cameron spluttered during an early morning press conference, befuddled and pink with peculiarly extra-terrestrial rage. "Look at what the silly sausages have gorn and done this time."

But Iranians have quickly moved to counter what its press agencies claim are "factually incorrect, politically motivated" claims.

"Almost everything they say is a lie," claimed one Iranian news channel. "The box is being built in the sky. It's full of sunshine and light. The walls of gold and marble white."

The anchorman was dismissed and arrested the next day, for his insistence on making all news all day rhyme, and for getting caught with a large amount of marijuana, respectively. He will be hung later today.

But other Iranian sources claim the box is indeed a "Good Box", or a "Box" that "Rox" - otherwise known as "BoxRox" - and is full of Gandalf, both Grey and White versions, chocolate trees and gumdrop roses, and a foolproof plan to recapitalise European banks, save the Euro and bring Western nations back to growth.

"Americans and Israelis want to Kill Gandalf," screamed one Tehran headline.

Obama wants Bearded Terrorist Leader dead or alive
(probably dead)

dISCOdAN: I Will Occupy Myself (OMS)

As a staunch, long-standing defender of civil liberties, Dan at Dan's Disco has always been passionate about the right to free expression and protest, says this reporter.

DiscoDan: A family man, as well as a protector of Liberty

His swarthy good looks and gentle eyes aside, Dan shows a ferocious passion for our country's tradition of civil rights, but confesses to not being hugely enamoured with the Occupy movements in London and Glasgow.

"I wish it was okay to throw bricks at them," he says wistfully, his beautiful brows furrowed. "But it's not. And nor should it, in a free country that respects the rights of its citizenry," he adds, pounding his fist emphatically on the desk.

Dan is a breath of fresh air, a straight-shooter who moves easily between serious conviction and gentle humour, like a lithe male ballerina, and that's not unlike his physical appearance either. Elegantly muscular, his movements authoritative and his arse tight, he's pretty close to the perfect male specimen.

The purpose of this reporter's interview with Dan today is to hear about his own upcoming protest, where he will "occupy myself", until he "gets what I want."

By myself, I mean his self. I am an objective reporter. Until he gets what he wants, not me, Mr Reporter.

"I just think the Occupy movements have got it wrong," Dan claims, in his lilting Scottish twang. "It's not Wall Street or the City of London who are to blame - it's the entire world. Every single person. I just can't stand them. I'm a tolerant person - " and indeed, this reporter can attest to Dan's wonderful generosity of spirit, love, and tolerance for all things "- but I'm fucking sick to death of every cunt on this planet. The only way I think I can get away from it all is by just occupying myself.

"It's a protest, I suppose, against the collectivist instincts of the Occupy protesters. It's a pro-individual protest. Not all individuals. In fact, not most of them. Just me. It's a pro-me protest."

This reporter looks into his emotive whirlpool eyes and sees the bravery of a lion.

The gorgeous Dan begins his solo protest

"Possible symptoms may include a vacant expression or not looking at you at all when you ask me something, walking past you on the street and generally minding my own business. If any of this offends you I apologise in advance - all I'm doing is exercising my right to free expression. That, and I've grown tired of our chit-chats," explains Dan.

"I'm just hoping I find myself interesting enough!" adds Dan, with a melodic, modest laugh. "Or I might have to fucking kill myself!"

PMZ #3

Every week I will write a letter to the Prime Minister and send it to 10 Downing Street. Contained in that letter will be a total zinger!

Here is #3.

               Dear Mr Cameron,
                                           I hear you are at the G20 Summit in Cannes. Well cannes you please stay there for good, so the people living in our island nation don't jump overboard at the sight of your really, really ugly face?! *smiley face*


                              Yours,
                                          DiscoD

sYRIA tO wORLD: Don't move or the girl gets it

Don't you think I wouldn't, I ttly ttly would lolz! xx

Dastardly demon President Assad of Syria has given the West a sharp warning over possible intervention into the escalating internal conflict in the country, a so-called "hub" of the Middle East, which rhymes with "rub", "tub" and "sub", as in "submarine", or "could you please sub me a tenner to tide me over til the weekend."

Basically, he said "don't move or the girl gets it." The above picture is actually of Iran - Syria is more dastardly still, wearing a black-and-white robber's top and an eye-mask, hinting at their evil pro-French tendencies. 

There are still doubts over the identity of the "girl" in question.

"There are some reports that it's Kim Kardashian," said one US official. "We think Assad means it when he says the girl is definitely going to get it. But we may let her kinda ... slide, in favour of regional stability."

Bill Clinton: "She deserves to live."

Hillary Clinton is said to be fighting against letting Ms Kardashian be killed for peace, at the behest of her husband the former President, who apparently commented angrily that "an ass that fine deserves to live."

sONG fOR tHE dAY

Well it would have to be the Dirty Beggars.

Enjoy!

bOOKY sTUFF

I'm writing a book and I also like them a lot besides. Here's a couple cool wee hingies vis a vis WRITING.

• New edition of the free From Glasgow to Saturn magazine - basically a compendium of new, great creative writing, run by creative writing students (I think?) at Glasgow University. New magazine is really good - particular stand-out for me was Alan Gillespie's Wrath of a Gull -  link here.

• Moving onto another Alan, one of my favourite writers, of Boyracers fame, has done a really cool hour-long podcast with Whay hae, talking about all his books - including his latest, Pack Men, set during the 2008 Uefa Cup Final riots when thousands of Rangers fans converged on Manchester. It's awesome, and I intend to review it when I get it back off my sis, who took it after I devoured it in literally one sitting. He also talks about all things Scot-Lit - the contemporary writing scene in Scotland, which is mind-bogglingly good at the mo. Listen to Alan Bissett's podcast.

There, some serious stuff for a change. How'd you like me now?

eUROZONE lEADERS: That's it sorted guys.

Eu're kidding?

After days of tense summit deliberations, the crisis in the Eurozone appears to be totally sorted.

Merkel on Italians: "Stingy cunts"

"Er, yeah, just called in the proverbial plumber, and that's it pretty much fixed," said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. "The argument was over who was going to chip in what. Italians were being stingy bastards as usual, squabbling among themselves. The Greeks were saying they were skint. David Cameron was going on about how his shitepipes were just fine, thank you very much.

"Honestly," Ms Merkel is quoted as telling the Associated Press. "How hard does it have to be to book a fucking plumber?"

So yeah, that's pretty much it sorted now guys.

jAEGERBOMB cRAWLS aND dIRTY bEGGARS

Well, I've been having fun. There has been lots of things to do and people to see in this 'ere city. That would be Glasgow to those who are Disco-Uninitiated.

Either get with the program or just FUCK OFF, seriously.

You know Dan, wanking Nazis
really aren't that funny.

Kidding. God sometimes I make myself just crack up, and then that's me done, turned insane for the month in a deluge of mad cackling laughter. Like when I went on holiday to Prague, and in the "Provocative" Art Exhibition saw this brilliantly painted, detailed canvas portrait of two Nazis having sex with each other. I couldn't stop laughing for like two whole days; ask my girlfriend Sklep.

Anyway, so stuff I've been doing.

• On Tuesday night I went to Gambrino's in Glasgow's West End with some family for lovely  pizza, wine, and my uncle regaling me with the sprawling, poetic tale of his one and only magic mushroom experience when he was 18.

HaHaHa ... a gentleman with
a strange and rather gross
pigmentation

• The plan after that was a sturdy, sound one. I intended to employ friend privileges to go and freely see my good friend the excellent DJ HaHaHa at SubClub. But then Jaegerbombs happened.

A recap, please. I was with family. In the end it was just me, my underage brother and my sister. Now, I believe it was my underage brother who first suggested "shots? Maybe Jaegerbombs?" And you have to understand - he has only just moved to Glasgow. My sister and I have had the odd night out in the two years we've both shared living in this city, but now ALL THREE OF US ARE HERE.

It just had to be done. The Jaegerbomb Crawl. The Stravaigin didn't do them, so we marched on, with the purposeful questing intent of the Fellowship of the Ring, if by Fellowship of the Ring, you mean Booze-cruising Sibling Trio. The Old Schoolhouse, formerly the Primary, supplied us with what we wanted. Then I believe it was Wetherspoon's on Sauchiehall Street, and so on ...

Jaegerbomb: half Jaeger, half Energy, half Bomb,
half pure sex

• Thus my sturdy, sound plan went to the proverbial shit. We did actually try and go to Sub Club. Alas, they don't let Jaeger-bombed teenagers in anymore. 

• Wednesday daytime was a brutal affair, sandpaper-tongued was I, and a brick attached to an elastic band pinging relentlessly against my head. It was imperative I got it together for a gig I was playing later that night with my brother at The Box, who was obviously fine from the previous night's escapades, because he's 17, and a dick.

• We played and it was most pleasing. Prior to that we pwned China Buffet King, which was also pleasing.

• Following our set, I dashed off to Pivo Pivo to see the Glasgow Come Together In Aid of Oxjam gig, which raised something like 400 quid, which made us all feel jolly good. I went to try and see an old local favourite of mine - though they are actually quite new, I've just known the guys for years - The Dirty Beggars. For the love of Christ, BUY their debut album, Bite the Bullet. It was worth every penny I didn't actually spend because I found an old Christmas present iTunes voucher. The bugger is, I have Ubuntu, which doesn't support iTunes, so I had to buy it on Sklep's computer, and can only listen their stomping hoe-downs at hers. And when I'm at Sklep's, I am Sklep's. Slave, if you will. There's not much leeway for me-time.

Ah hate those dirty dirty goddamn beggars, yeeHA!

Recap: Dirty Beggars are a Scottish familial quintet who play and write epic bluegrass and Americana songs, and are, in all probability, the best live band I have ever seen. Also top gents. Expect a feature at some point.

• So, saddled with a guitar and a bag, I hurtled through town, always thinking I was nearly there, but then I'd get to another street and remember Pivo Pivo was still a whole other block away. I was acutely aware of time ticking away, bomb-like, the explosion being the explosion of emotion that I would become were I to miss the Beggars, which I thought I already had.

• As it turned out - as these things often turn out - the Dirty Begging Bastards hadn't even started yet. The previous band were still on. And what a band! I only saw a song and a half, but they were bloody brilliant. I have hunted them down, Facebook-stalk-stylee. They are Roman Road. Nice lads as well. I put it to them last night that their sound was a kind of "melodic cacophony." I only saw a song and a half, but they reminded me of the Arcade Fire. But as I said to them as well, "Maybe it's just because you have a violinist." They said "Look mate, we don't know you, so will you just fuck off, and why are you wearing a stick-on beard you fucking weirdo?"

• After the Dirty Hobos performed a blitzkrieg of a set - including an impromptu bluegrass version of Twist and Shout - I was on my way, tagging along with two fanatics of the Edinburgh-based band Meursault to see them at Bloc, a band I'd only heard of. Sadly, all I can tell you about them is that they had two drummers, and that Meursault is the protagonist in Albert Camus' existentialist classic, The Outsider. We saw half a song and then it was over, to the tearful chagrin of my fanatical companions.

Flat 0/1 ... like a club in a flat ... or a flat in a bar ... or a bar in a club ...
 well that's a given, Dan, that's a given

• Then I boogied on down to some good old electronica with Sklep in Flat 0/1, which is like a flat, but also a bar, and also kind of a club, but mainly a flat, with, as they put it:

plenty cheap booze, seriously good tunes and a double bed in case the couch is taken, we turn council tax letters into paper aeroplanes and eviction letters into roaches.

we won't be up for lectures in the morning, there won't be a flat inspection from the landlord, and as for nosey neighbours... they just tanned a bottle of mad dog 20/20 so they won't be bothering us for a while.

eD bALLS lAYS oUT eCONOMIC vISION

Self-confessed "huge sack of man-balls"

In an opinion piece in today's Independent, Ed Balls laid out Labour's alternative economic vision to the Coalition's "austerity" measures. Mr Balls, named as such because he has massive swinging balls, which in fact are what constitute his entire physical and spiritual being, is the Shadow Chancellor, and he's balls at that too.

"Hummedy hummedy haw, flippity dippity dee," he began, in typically cutting fashion.

"China! America! Economy! Europe! Zone-thingy! Pound sterling! Me good at speaking! Flippity dippity dee, hurrah hurrah hooray! Didgeridoo, who are you?! Tee hee hee hee!"

Certainly, the Tories need to think long and hard about the uncomfortable truths Mr Balls is laying out in his typically up-front and clinical style.

"BANZAIIIIIII!" The Shadow Chancellor went on. "I had eggs for breakfast, and yoghurt, with blueberries! And the economy, if you think about it, is just kind of like a big blueberry, no? China! Europe! Interesting rates! Complicated terminologicalies! And of course, austerity bad! Me good! Tory bad! Me good at speaaaaaking!"


The government are understandably cautious about attacking Mr Balls with too much vigour, so as to seem that they might be casting aspersions on his character, as Mr Balls has never been held in higher regard, nor had more clout, than he does in high Labour circles at the present moment.

"But let's get down to it: the economy," said Mr Balls. "Basically, WOOP! WOOPwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop, CA-ZAM! CAW CAW CAW! But lest we forget to ask: miaow?"

Cameron bum "so big"

Certainly, it's a question an increasingly uneasy British public would like to see Mr Cameron answer. The Prime Minister was next to face Mr Balls' considerably potent ire:

"David Cameron: bum! Big bum! Bum big his! His bum big! Me good at speaking. Words. Words words words words words words words CAW CAW CAW phwEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! As for George Osbourne? All I can say about that didgeridoo is flippity dippity dee. You all know I'm right."

Never one to shy from speaking his mind, Mr Balls was an aggressive a proponent as anyone in Tony Blair's, and later, Gordon Brown's cabinets, for, as he put it so eloquently then and has never backtracked on since despite opposition pressure, "making interesting rates more interesting." In today's piece, he goes on with dignity to defend Labour's oft-criticized economic record:

Balls to Chancellor: Didgeridoo is
Flippity dippity dee

"People say labour bad tory good, laboury stuff bad tory austerity good but I say BANZAAAAAIIIIII! Again, because it is important. I say tory bad, labour good, you see? We did good. And me very good at speeeeaaaaaking now. Obama also good, but he make big boom, BOOM, boooooooooom, BANZAIIIIII!"

And it's here that Mr Balls' writing comes to life with passion, poise and purpose.

"Tory so so bad and me balls so good, so damn good, FLIPPITY DIPPITY DEE, HURRAH HURRAH HOORAY! Big big no to austerity, and big big yes to laboury stuff. Ed Miliband is a fantastic blueberry yoghurt from Devon. Tory bad austerity baaaaaaad!"

And with that, the Shadow Chancellor has made a bold statement of intent, and of principle; laid down a marker, if you will. It's up to the Coalition to seriously address the points made by Mr Balls - the BallsPoints, if you will - and explain to the public how on Earth Mr Balls could possibly be wrong. It is sure to be a tall ask.